I have everything I prayed for, it just came at different times.

When I was a little girl, I lived in absolute poverty. There was so many things I didn’t have. There was the feeling of being loved, at a minimum, but there wasn’t much else.

One day a really traumatic event happened that put my Mother and myself in danger. I remember being so scared and I just started praying. That is officially when I started having a personal chat line with God. I was no more than 9 or 10 years old, but I was praying.

We made it home safely. I remember crying because I was relieved, but the trauma stayed with me my entire life. So I prayed a LOT.

I prayed for the emotional abuse dole’d out by my Mother to stop. I prayed for a house to live in, instead of the various apartment we constantly lived in. I prayed for the space to be free and be happy. I prayed for educational success. I also prayed that the vile, ghetto-ass dysfunctional kids would stop picking fights with me. I remember praying that I would get married and have a child. I prayed for travel and to see the world. After my Dad died my junior year of high school, I prayed for peace and to manage my anger. Then when my Mother died, I prayed to stop crying. I prayed A LOT. Understatement of the year.

And my prayers were answered, but um… maybe not in the nonsensical order and unrealistic timeline I had ingrained in my mind.

The emotional abuse stopped because I left home after high school and only went back once. My Mother and I reconciled our rocky relationship right before my 21st birthday. Then two weeks later she died in a fire.

I had a great educational journey. University was hard, even after the death of my parents, I finished school. I would go on to have a great career in the early days after graduation. This would lead me to move to New York, where I was free. I didn’t have to be strangulated by the colorism, racism, classism and mediocrity I felt in Chicago. I was free to be weird, smart, a party girl, a wild raver, reflective, creative … I was free in New York. I would eventually start travelling and seeing the world. All the beautiful places I wanted to see in the world, I went with no hesitation.

I left New York City on Valentine’s day 2003. I followed my British ex-husband to England. I found myself in a beautiful cozy English house. He made me feel loved and welcomed, but I was so far away from home and I was scared. Eventually, things would shift. We married. We moved back to the States and bought / remodeled / sold our first house together. Then we built his dream home from the ground up. It was his dream house. I loved him so much, I just wanted to see him happy. Our marriage was failing. I was scared, but we were a great team. So when we built things together, they were magnificent. I tried to carry the marriage. We had a beautiful child. And it all fell apart. So I eventually did get to live in a beautiful house, at one time I felt loved, and I gave birth to my miracle baby.

So now in 2020, I look back and realized that God / Universe did answer all my prayers. I still pray daily. I pray over my child. I pray for my dogs. I pray that I meet my grandkids.

But those prayers from my youth, they were all answered.

Living with Sarcoidosis means I am always fighting to get better and I pray even more. It also means I am humbled that I wake up everyday. I now just want peace. Stress is a trigger for flare ups for me. So I pray for peace daily. I wake up thankful. I have a home. I have a wonderful, kind child. I have two loving, comical dogs. A Hulu and Netflix subscription. A house full of AI technology. Lastly, my house is filled with happiness and kindness.

God / Universe looked out for me and they still cover me. It didn’t all come together how I thought it would, but my heart is full and grateful for small mercies.

Amen.