So you get a little wiser with time

There is no “new year, new me” mantras here. New Year, evolving me is the reality. And it is fraught with struggling with past failures and embracing new joys.

As I turn 50, I’m starting to numb out to the absurdity of the world. There are so many broken people and yet there is so many opportunities to fill the world with kindness. There is so much saturation of over exposed people with no substance to tht content they are creating that this hamster wheel of social consumption has become overwhelming and off-putting.

Is there no honesty.

Is there no integrity.

And as the world turns, I am a beautiful, aging, Black American woman watching history being rewritten and repeat itself during this azi-nay renaissance. Books being banned. Medical apartheid. Employment discrimination still the same, if not higher. The more they say things changes, they more they have a really gotten worse.

All I ever wanted to do was enjoy my humanity to the fullest.

As you age, you become privy to a lot of things in the world that you didn’t see in your youth. A lot of things you didn’t understand in your 20s, become crystal clear in your 40s and 50s.

“I just want a good life.” Someone I used to love said this to me. And at the time, I thought they had it. I remember thinking their life had been so full of missed opportunity, but it was still a good life. Fast forward to the other day, I looked outside at my dead front lawn. The browns and tans all seem to sway in the heavy silence as I looked outside up to the sky. Those words and their face when they said it, came flooding back to me. And standing there I understood them completely. I prayed that sentence as a prayer.

Wiser, now I see how much pain that person was in and what pain I was in. Wiser, now I know everyday about ground is good. Perhaps that is the modern definition of a good life.