Sometimes I forget and then I remember

I am a SuperMom. It is a badge I wear with honor. And I work a regular 9-to-5. Then I volunteer when I can with various organizations. Sometimes I even had the audacity to cultivate my own joy and do stuff for myself. I get busy and I forget that I have Sarcoidosis. I get busy and I forget about my limited number of spoons.

A part of me wonders… “How could I forget?” Each morning I take a good number of meds to keep me at baseline. My normal is now slower than the average person’s. My normal means that my sleep is not totally restorative unless everything is in balance. I have a limited amount of spoons, but I still forget.

Then a day like today happens. I get stressed out and all the stress that’s I’ve tucked away in my subconscious comes flooding out. I’m problem solving at the speed of light. Carpe’ing all the challenging AF diem. In tandem, I’m running out of spoons at an alarming rate. The to-do list is getting longer as soon as I step into tht house. But my spoons are dissipating. So now I am choosing chores like I’m making life decisions with a buzzer on Family Feud.

My body and mind starts the signal…. Sit down. Sit the entire F’ down for a minute. But I know if I do. I will lay down and that lady spoon will give up the ghost.

So I push myself. Just a few more things and…

And…

I can’t. I have no more spoons. I have nothing left in the tank. All I want to do is be held and for someone to tell me it will be okay. But all I hear is my Dad’s voice. He is saying rest now, but get up stronger tomorrow. Stay in the race.

So, I lay down and tomorrow I begin again. Having a chronic illness — sometimes it really sucks.