I’m drinking my second glass of Malbec wondering where I went wrong. I’m also happily listening to some dope lo-fi music that I want to Shazam. …but I won’t because I am in my feelings and typing this on my Nord N10. Lol.
So I am just here at the bar, with a water chaser and this glass of wine.
I’ve been here in this moment so many times. Pondering life and my direction. In Chicago. In New York. In England. In Houston. I go places by myself and I sit and just exist. As a Black woman it is a radical thing to do. I demand it.
Right now at age 48, I am wondering how does the rest of my life play out. I’ve made less than stellar decisions that lead me here, but here is not super bad. Here is here. On even days I am surviving and on odd days I am thriving. My kids have a better childhood than I had. I am using my skills to help others in my community. I’m staying ready so I don’t get ready.
Yet, life is still curving me.
I still stand.
It’s weird though because all I wanted to be is at peace and filled with joy, but I have so many hurdles to jump. And as a Black woman I am tired.
Life comes at me so fast.
… but perhaps I am ready.