Don’t let your heart wake up…

Disclaimer: I’m divorced, but I am not devoid of appreciating love. I just see it from a different perspective.

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They say love doesn’t hurt. Loving the wrong person does hurt something awful.

I reflect on this now at age 47, because in a deeply personal conversation with my best friend I admitted that I don’t think I’ve ever been in a totally healthy relationship.

Sometimes when my “inner limey” has been triggered, I struggle to believe that any of my former lovers or ex-husband truly loved me. I try not to dwell in that space too long, because it is a moot point. Right now in my life, I am committed to who I am in the present and enjoying the love I give myself in the NOW.

I love the idea of “love” and I love “love” for other people. It’s such a magical, beautiful thing to see and bear witness to in your loved one’s lives. I also know that I am capable of an amazing love deep down in my soul. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that I was at some point very tender, caring, and attentive to my past partners. Historically though, I keep giving my magnanimous love to the wrong people. So for me, love hurts, it is scary, and it has scarred me.

One of the things that scares me about faux love and false hope is how I cannot feel the difference from dysfunctional mimicking and the real thing.

Often times when I think I am authentically loved, it inspires me to write more, to sing more, to write poetry… my soul is so lit up by embracing love that I have endless energy to create. When I feel loved I feel unstoppable. All my dreams seem possible. When I am loved I feel as though I am safe.

Then every time, the rug is pulled from up under me.

There is no more singing, only the sound of me crying uncontrollably at odd times of the day. Writing seems inconceivable because all I want to write about is the pain I feel. I just want to pull it out of my soul and push it into the lines on paper. When faux love has broken me, I feel unsafe, unsure and defeated.

After you experience that time after time, you become afraid and you feel exhausted. More so, you become devoid of the desire to love completely. You are guarded and hiding key parts of yourself becomes an art form. Relationships get compartmentalized. Engagement becomes transactional to keep you safe from emotional and mental harm. Sometimes you just give up and withdraw all together.

Your heart goes to sleep from a slow and painful poison of inauthentic love and engagement. And sometimes even when you meet the most beautiful, similarly loving soul like yours… you dare not let your heart stir or wake.