The beginning of the holiday reflection…

I am officially on Christmas break. Yet all I seem to do is overthink about the coming new year. I started new meds and that sinking feeling of being broken tried to creep in. …but I dug deep into a cup of chocolate pudding and shook it off.

I am reflecting on this year. The ups and the downs. Yet, the win is that we made it here. We made it to December. We wake up each day and it is a chance to do good and put kindness in the world.

When I look back, I spent most of this year protecting my child from COVID. A lot of time was spent isolated and being deeply steeped in escapism. This year I spent a lot of time in fear. Fearing the virus. Fearing medical apartheid if I got the virus. Losing the balance emotionally… but just a smidge… And definitely because I am devoid of touch and social interaction. However the biggest win was smiling a million smiles here and there because I had sweet moments with friends on the phone or over Paul Robeson’s internet, sweet loving moments with my child and lobing the antics of my darling dogs.

The year has been so strange. I escaped death because they caught my DVT in time. This lead to me finding out my fibroids are so big that my uterus is leaning against veins in my thigh. This also lead to me getting a CT that showed the scars on my lungs from Sarcoidosis. So I took a breathing test and they found a small obstruction. Well, that lead to me being put on new meds. That’s a LOT. Damnit, it’s heavy at times.

I have been holding on to all that is dear. I have been holding on for dear life to my health, my family, my friends, my sanity, and I have been in a strange embrace and conversation with my loneliness. So very strange.

Holiday reflections. Overthinking the present. Wishing for a safer, brighter, and loving future.

What are you doing for the holidays?

2 thoughts on “The beginning of the holiday reflection…

  1. Tishea says:

    I read this and wondered at how my life is paralleling yours in some areas and uniquely my own in others. THANK YOU for consistently sharing your voice because I need it like you wouldn’t believe.

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    • efabuloushb says:

      I write and chronicle my feelings now to make sure I am still alive. To make sure I don’t carry it all in my soul and let it weigh me down. I also pray that others don’t feel alone. I’m glad my words connect. I keep telling myself you get this one life and this one shot at humanity, you better live out loud.

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