And in this life sometimes you feel “meh”…

If I put out a mixtape right now it would be titled “Go the entire fuck on with your rhetoric. Keep your pie hole closed. Volume 2.”

I am in a fleeting moment of “meh”.

I do NOT want to hear anything anyone has to say anymore. All the talking heads, subject matter experts, and gurus are endless. They are also full of shit. Life is hard for us working class Black American folks. Toxic positivity isn’t going to magically solve our oppression or ease the weathering from endless white and POC anti-Black microaggressions at work, in our schools, and within the country’s biased healthcare system.

Life is arduous enough and for a Black American parent raising their child in the age of MegaRacism, Voltron, and COVID19, we are saddled with never ending worry. How do we protect our kids from COVID19? How do we stay gainfully employed although our employers are putting our health at risk? How do we protect our kids from implicit bias? How do we protect our kids and ourselves from police brutality? How do we actually survive this pandemic with limited savings and smaller support systems?

So pardon me if I don’t want to hear read your “think piece” about a sexually charged rap song. Do forgive me if I am completely turned off at you worshipping celebrities and it reveals that you are somewhat unintelligent and have nothing substantial to talk about. I apologize in advance if I am not beguiled by your performative allyship and you seem like a liberal or conservative racists wrapped in respectability parchment to seem more amicable. I’m bored with all the fake Christians. I am completely uninspired with these racist career politicians. Society seems to be melting off the walls as if the quarantine has forced us on a bad trip of acid and mushrooms.

Until Black Americans are treated fully as citizens, receive reparations, and do not have to suffer daily doses of racial terrorism… kinda shut the fuck up with the unintelligent noise. I don’t want to know.

Perhaps it is because I long for equality. Perhaps it is because I want to wake up one day and know I don’t have to be in “flight or fight” mode to protect my humanity from American society. Perhaps it is because I know as a human being, I deserve to enjoy my humanity “as is” and not through the validation of some mediocre white gaze.

At 47yrs old, I am just weathered and so very socio-emotionally tired of the shit. I am navigating living with Sarcoidosis and trying to avoid COVID19. I want to discuss policies that will create job, housing, education and healthcare equity for Black Americans. I want to address how Black woman are socially erased due to ageism and people wanting us to play the role of Mamie when we cross the age of 45. Let’s rectify the fact I earn $0.62 for every $1.00 my white male counterpart earns. Let’s discuss real solutions so the klan clowns masquerading as cops stop killing Black Americans.

I want SUBSTANTIVE dialogues with authentic people who seek to be change agents by changing and constantly growing within themselves.

Perhaps this is a cry for better engagement once we return to the new normal. During this crisis, I have been privy to mindful, good adult conversations. Maybe I am just fucking tired of all the bullshit in the world and I am trying to sort through to the good shit that’s good for my Black soul.