It is 2254hrs CT on a Friday. I am exhausted. The little energy I have left I am expending on trying to figure out if my Sarcoidosis is about to rear it’s ugly head this weekend.
I have hit “the wall”.
And my wall is very different because I have Sarcoidosis and I suffer from anxiety. I am worried shitless about school starting and keeping my kid safe from COVID19. With me being immunocompromised, I live in this low, dull, humming state of fear. It never leaves me. I can suppress it to enjoy things in this pandemic, but it is always there.
It’s 2256hrs CT on a Friday. I have been wanting to write blog posts and podcasts since Wednesday. I haven’t had the capacity to do so. So my ideas, if not written down — they leave me. And I have become sullen about it. During this pandemic, it has been really hard for me to be inspired and to create. I spend most of my time worrying about contracting COVID19, trying to stay connected to friends, worrying about the future, worrying about my job, angry about my past, wanting more sleep, and trying to create a sense of normalcy for my Future CEO.
But I am tired. Extremely tired.
My body is actually telling me “you picked the wrong bitch today, I have nothing left”.
Around 1400hrs CT, I got brain fog. Focusing became harder and harder. I felt weathered and tired. I went out with the dogs to get some sun and jump around. I was fighting off writers block and trying to focus on my task list. I then started to feel the uneasy feelings of fatigue ease into neck and back. Stealth is a great way to describe the fatigue from Sarcoidosis. It sneaks up on you and then you are clusterfucked.
I heard myself say in my head … Here comes the wall.
And here I am.
It’s 2303hrs CT. And here I am. Wall has been hit. It’s all downhill from here. I pray I get enough sleep to feel rested when I wake tomorrow.
Just another day living with #Sarcoidosis.