I’m emotional and it’s a New Year & New Decade. This post will be cathartic and then I will get on with the next decade of my life — my very Blessed life. If you are a regular visitor, thanks for your support. If you are a new reader, welcome. So, let’s get on with it…
At 11:45pm, December 31, 2019 I started to draft a “Tweet Thread”. It chronicled everything I had overcome or push through in the last century. When I had got to my divorce and the “losing phase” right after my divorce with my disgusting rebound, I felt my chest tighten up. I was disgusted. I was very disappointed in myself and in my life choices. I deleted the thread. More so, I went to bed a bit upset that I couldn’t face my past. I also went to bed knowing that there would be no morning text from lovers past — so I had this feeling of failure and loneliness lingering and that really bothered me. In this moment — moving into the new decade, I want to be content and joyful in who I am and my current circumstance. Even if that means having to celebrate feeling lonely and dealing with the throws of abandonment that loom over my spirit as I come to terms with being middle aged. And somehow I smiled a bit, because at least — at least I was at peace. Yet, I had not made peace with my past failures of the decade.
So I’m going to make peace with them here in my own space. It may hurt to write these out, but I’m going to push through and “finish ugly”.
Here goes!!! In the last decade the following things happened, some of these calamities are indeed my own doing (idiot me….) and some of these lamentable events caught me out, completely blindsided (shhhhh….) and some of the things I experienced well… that is just life.
- I started the decade married. At the beginning of the decade, my marriage was failing apart. My baby was 2 years old. I was very lonely and felt grotesquely unloved in my marriage. I was suicidal, internally.
- I had to leave my corporate job and seek employment elsewhere. I knew I had to find a company that cared about family time and work/life balance. As a Black woman in a middle management position, I knew eventually they would use my decision to become a mother against me. Pumping milk in a converted store room gave me time to read the writing on the wall.
- I started my social media management company and resume revamping freelance gig from nothing. I knew I needed additional skills because the writing was indeed on the wall not only in my career but in my personal life. There was a major shift coming and I needed to make sure I could make money. The #Chicago hustle is never too far away. It’s a survival instinct.
- I started feeling really tired and sad all the time. I ached all over and complained to my doctor. Then in 2011, I was diagnosed with #Sarcoidosis. It attacked my larynx and I lost a vocal chord. My doctor at the time and my ENT specialist saved my life. And thus my long and now life-long journey with Sarcoidosis began.
- Shortly thereafter I believe “his” affair started once I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis. Inadvertently, I was paying for the affair and being uncoupled without my knowing. Maliciously it was flaunted in my face once it was discovered and I filed for divorce.
- He told me he would drag me in divorce court and he did. I ended up having two nervous breakdowns. I lost everything except my home and car. I lost my dignity, my self esteem, my mental health, and on most days — I lost the will to carry on. However, thanks to my support system and my family, I kept going. I literally had to push the reset button and start my f***ing life over at age 39 / 40.
- Divorced and unhealed. I walked right into a rebound that was hellish. I honestly put myself and my kid in danger. This person was a scourge and completely dysfunctional. I will never forgive myself for bringing that type of garbage ass person into my home and around my kid. Thank goodness I ended the relationship quickly, but the public humiliation of failing in a relationship again with a loser was a lot to stomach.
- The upside to this particular year, I got a second dog named Kels. She became one of my great loves. My “Cotton Ball”.
- Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I ended up blogging on my one. My friend had given me the courage to start blogging and in this season, I had to carry on blogging alone. It was an act of therapy for me, because I just wasn’t healed and there were so many things I needed to get off my chest. I felt the need to create.
- 2015 was a damn blur, but I had some fun. I was rediscovering Houston. Rediscovering myself. Rediscovering parenting. Things were hard, but good.
- The very next year, I would make a life change that affected both my Future CEO and myself. I was committed more to my volunteerism and “leveling up” on my parenting.
- I started my podcast, originally on Soundcloud.com. It was a new way to cathart and create.
- Took a road trip that would forever be full of smiles and great memories from Houston, to St. Louis, to Chicago.
- Came back from Chicago and adopted another furry, my baby and big boy, Chaz aka Chazzie. The most adorable Australian Shepherd mix.
- The same year, I reached out to a guy out of curiosity and ended up falling in love. For two years, I thought just maybe “it was all real” … but it was dream, I was just checked out of reality reading “Word Up” magazine. After the 2 year mark, I felt that sick pain growing in my stomach and begin to question the sincerity of the relationship. You guessed it. I got cheated on. Failed at yet another relationship.
- In between falling in love and being in a hoax relationship, my beloved first baby, my dog Jessie passed away. I had her since I lived in England. She was one of my great loves. After her 15th birthday, I put her down because she was having seizures weekly. It broke my heart to the core. I miss her everyday.
- Winter of 2017, my Sarcoidosis came back with a vengeance. Apparently, from my surgery in 2011 to December 2017, I was in some weird remission. However, I could no longer go without medical intervention. I was faced with my own mortality. I needed to take medication or I was going to stream roll into a super flare that was going to do irreparable damage.
- I decided to reinvent my podcast and I moved to Anchor.fm. I just needed to talk about what the hell was going on and honestly, I had no one to talk to …. so I talked into a microphone for solace. Oppression and struggle begets art, sometimes.
- That very next year, I lost my Godmother / Aunt. She kept having stroke after stroke after stroke. She lost her apartment. She moved in with a man that didn’t really care for her. She lost an incredible amount of weight, really fast. I think she knew she was sick. I think she knew she had cancer. She stopped taking her medications. She spent her last days really unhappy and it broke my heart. Her family tried to save her. They tried their best to bring her into an environment where she could rebuild and thrive. And she left there, she willingly left the comfort of her family and the chance to start anew one last time. She went back to Chicago and died shortly thereafter. She was my second mother.
- I went into 2019 heart broken, but I had my beautiful Future CEO and my beautiful dogs. There is a loneliness that surrounds me because in 2019, in my heart and physically I let a lot of people go. I decided to “thin the herd”. I am grateful for the friends that are still around and who authentically love me. I’m just so weathered, I only want people around me who actually clap when I win.
- So I closed out 2019, healthier because my medication is working. I am happier because I’ve learned to embrace the loneliness and move forward alone in this life — as many intelligent, beautiful, unloved Black American women do. I’m fulfilled because my volunteerism is at the highest level it has ever been and I feel that I’m making a difference. My Future CEO is happy, my dogs are happy, I’m happy. I’m parenting from a place of love and not from a place of desperation. There are good and bad days with my #Sarcoidosis. I drink much less. I pray a lot more. It has become easier to ignore or detach from people, places, and things that don’t mean me no good.
AND THAT’S MY LAST DECADE. I’m happy to be alive, writing this blog post because things could have turned out differently.
Now I just want to create content for me, be an amazing Mom as I continue to be, be a better friend to those who love me, and put kindness into the world. I don’t have time for much else. Perhaps this is who and where I was meant to be.
Good luck to all of us trying to not only survive but thrive in 2020.