Heads up, this is a post about trying to move forward with this platform, so if you have any good ideas — do put them in the comments.
For the last half of the year, I’ve experienced a huge CREATIVE BLOCK. I’ve also questioned what I’m doing in the blogger-space. At this time I find it arduous to get lucrative opportunities as a Black Mom Blogger. Perhaps it is because I’m not one of the social archetypes set aside to limit the humanity of Black women. (If you want to know about these archetypes, visit: https://bekimberleigh.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/7/) My type of proud, bold and unrelatable Blackness is not received with enthusiasm.
Honestly. I am who I am and I am unapologetic for who I am – always.
Today, I’m trying to cognitively peel back the layers as to why I am suffering this huge creative block and how blogging as a non-traditional Black Mom Blogger means I create content that’s really for ME and those other dynamic undefined Black Moms who thrive in the shadows.
I start my musing by stating I have absolutely NO TIME. I wake up and it is a two hour rush out of the house, one hour commute into the city, forty-five minute commute back out the city, eight hours at work, forty-five minutes commute back into the city, forty-five minutes to a hour commute back out the city, twenty minute decompression when I get home, two hours of homework assistance whilst cooking in tandem, eat food furiously, one hour to get all the small mammals to bed, and then I take 20 minutes to ponder my life as a divorced, single, older Black American Mother at the bottom of the dating and eurocentric beauty hierarchy. After slipping into my nightly depression, I take another ten minutes to thank the Lord I’m still here.
Now by the time all that happens, I sleep and that’s the day. The end.
I have no time to maintain my platforms at the fervor that I carry in my heart and soul. — which makes me sad.
When I have a good idea, if I don’t jot it down or record it — it goes away forever and I seem to have good ideas about blog posts and podcasts, daily. So I’m losing a lot of ideas.
— but leisure time comes only when my Future CEO is away. When that time comes, I am so exhausted and depressed. I eat, I drink a bit, and I sleep to manage my depression and anxiety. Creating content becomes a distant thought.
It’s a f***ing cycle. A very hard cycle. I have pushed through these last few months and created very enjoyable content for myself, but it was such a stretch to get into the creative zone.
I just have to admit, I don’t have the time like other Mom blogging peers. It hurts me say that, but I know I’m not the only one.
Since I ramped up my fight against Sarcoidosis, I started to struggle with who I wanted to be as a Mom Blogger in the decade ahead? What do I want to create? What am I good at in the blogger-sphere? How do I reach people? And is the platform sustainable in tandem whilst I manage my new chapter with Sarcoidosis.
I’ve always maintained that I share my humanity so that it touches someone else’s humanity. I don’t want people to feel alone — because I know all too well how that feels. Blogging and content creation has always been cathartic for me. Extremely. i want to help people by just existing. — if that’s a thing — then I’m f***ing ACE at it. LOL!
Black American women are not allowed to “just exist”. We are marginalized into tropes. Our lives are under siege from racism, colorism, and capitalism. So my radical act of loving who I am and evolving is really why I’m in this space. I hope my existence inspires other to exist unapologetically.
I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m not changing my brew anytime soon. That’s for sure.
I’m struggling with the moniker “Mom Blogger”. That’s what I am, right? I am an older Black American Mother who BLOGS. I don’t parade my kid in front of the camera. I believe in sharing my motherhood journey without over exposure of my child. That’s my choice, but that doesn’t make me any less a Mom Blogger — or does it?
So I volley between my legitimacy as a blogger and what I want to create. Should I be political, satirical, brutally honest about life as a single Black American Mother, or be vanilla-happy-all-the-time-stay-on-brand so I am always the go to friendly two dimensional Black brand affiliate? — water myself down to make my Blackness tolerable?
Then my mind shifts to –> what am I good at? Podcasting, blogging, creating social media content, etc. Honestly, I’m good at all of it. Yet, because I have no time on my hands on a good day, then there are the bad days with my Sarcoidosis — the real question is can I maintain it all? Perhaps I should accept that my creativity comes in waves and those waves don’t come as often as I would like because I am an older Black Mom with a chronic illness, monster commute, and I leave without the luxury of time.
All I got is a shit ton of MOXIE.
Direction, distraction, intention and back to direction. I don’t know where I’m going with all that I’ve created and all that I want to create. I’m so many things. Black American women are truly multifaceted. All I know is that I have to move forward in 2020. I have to move the f*** forward with the energy of the Sparta 300. Stay tuned I guess.
My creative block was also brought on by stress. Stress of being the primary custodian, trying to stay connected to my Future CEO, re-evaluating and managing my chronic illness, worrying about being an older parent in this world that gives no f**** about Black children, being marginalized at work by both toxic nonBlack and stereotypical Black people. So much stress. Stress, racism, colorism and classism encroach upon my humanity, daily. Creativity comes from an expanding humanity. Basic American life with all the -ism projected onto Black Americans shrinks your humanity ten-fold. Suddenly, creativity becomes a reflection of time and we all know that TIME is for the AFFLUENT. Not the working class poor, like myself.
Well at this point, I really need to over thinking this. I’m becoming my harshest critic. The main goal is to MOVE FORWARD IN 2020. Move forward with vigor. Pray for me if you are a praying type of person. May my creative block be removed and more creative, intriguing and monetary opportunities take hold in 2020.
Until then, I will just relish being a proud, dark-skin, educated, comical, middle aged, Black American Mother who blogs about divorce, motherhood, brokenness, Blackness, wine, food, various local events, and getting old in an ageist society.
In the end, I’m f***ing amazing — a unicorn of such — a human being who wants to create and be free.