I’m in pain. I have Sarcoidosis. I am also getting old.

I am two ibuprofen into the day. I can only have four in a 24 period. Funny enough, my fibroids are growing back and each monthly cycle is a seven day horror montage of pain.

I actually cannot take the time to cry anymore. I have too much shit to accomplish and complete.

So here I am. Age 46. Living with #Sarcoidosis. Living with fibroids and extreme perimenopausal symptoms. I am in pain. The type of pain that puts you to sleep for two hours in the middle of the day because your ibuprofen wore off and your body shuts down.

I try not to complain, but rather process all that my body is going through and telling me. In middle age-dom, I try and listen to my body more. I can no longer dull the pain with gorgeous red wine. Living with a chronic illness has taught me to extend patience to myself and adapt to situations when I cannot fully engage. Many times, I hide my pain. I am silent and I push through. I just don’t want to be a burden, to anyone.

Yet, it is nights like tonight that floor me. After trying to sleep off the pain, I wake up in more agony. Menstrual cramps on top of lower back pain and feeling exceedingly inflammed. I am flummoxed and it makes it hard to push through.

So I write, instead of cry. Sometimes it hurts to cry. Truly. So I write. I try and imagine what I would feel like if I was free of all my ailments. That mental centering does help with the depression and provides me a bit of escapism.

I am writing right now from my phone, barricaded under the covers, debating on when to take the next ibuprofen, wanting to cry but feeling too depleted to form tears.

For those of you living with chronic illness like me, be patient with yourself. Give yourself space to feel beat-up. Tell your support system when you are in need and need help immediately. Be depressed, but get help or talk it out. Cry but make an action plan to alleviate triggering foods or environments. Lastly, show yourself some Grace, because Darling you are indeed only human. And those who love you, need you here.