So, listen… I love being a Black American. If you do not love being Black American, this blog, this post…. my Mom Blog brand is not for you. Seriously, you should unfollow, delete or just pretend I don’t exist because I don’t do self-hate here. It’s all love. Love for my deep, dark amazing Black self. … Now if you are good with who you are and the lineage of Black Americans who are descendants from American Chattel Slaves, then read on. Read on.
Life is hard and then you die. Thus, you have to make the most of what’s in between. Every moment, you need to be extracting some joy from the universe and tucking it into your memory banks. See in our youth, we don’t realize just how short life is… and thus we fritter away time. One day, you wake the f*** up and you are older, wiser (hopefully) and things aren’t coming up roses.
So with all of that said, that’s why I pour into loving my Black American self. The world pummels the sh** out of Black Americans everyday. Sometimes it is overt, like the POS masquerading as president telling Congresswomen of color to “go back home”. Sometimes it is overt, like a redneck yelling “n****” across to you in traffic. Mostly, it is subtle but damaging. It is your boss marginalizing skill set. It is a male non-Black coworker being paid more than you but doing less. It is the stress pushed upon you because you have a school aged child and you are a single parent. It is being followed in a store, when you are in the store to escape the bullshit you absorb at work. It is being overlooked in a restaurant because they don’t want to serve you – because your skin is Black.
And then if you are a dark-skin Black woman there is a extra level of degradation that hits quietly at your soul. It is all the memories of your family whispering “why is she so dark like her Daddy”. Or the mocking tones of your aunt saying “with a big nose like that, she better have a talent”. It’s all the boys that told you – “you are pretty for a dark-skin girl”. Sometimes it is the quiet moments when you realized that you actually fell for a guy in your past, who not only doesn’t like you, he doesn’t like dark-skin women because he hates himself.
You tally up the years you’ve been devalued by society and your community and then you just figure… E-fucking-NOUGH. Life is too short. Honestly, I’ve felt this way since I was 7 years old. I was 7 when I figured out that Black American women suffered emotional, social, mental and physical abuse consistency and relentlessly throughout their lifetime. And I decided to always choose ME. No one else is going to choose me, but I choose me all the time. And I will teach my child to do the same.
So I enjoy my Blackness. I explore my Blackness. I champion my Blackness and I champion other’s Blackness, because their journey is unique and not like mine.
I’m evolving. Sometimes it is scary as shit. Sometimes it is ethereal and raw. Sometimes it is depressing and f’ing sad because I believed I’d be farther along than I am. Sometimes when I think of where I’ve come from – it is a story of triumph and badassery.
When I turned 43 years old, I realized that no one is getting in that casket with me when I croak. Not a single f’cking being would give their life for me, but me. So it has to be me, to cheer me on, it has to be me to adore me, to big up me. And I’m late to the party, I’m in the 2nd half closing in on 50 if you round up (since I’m now 46 years of age). So I have to catch up on all the self-love I missed out on trying to find myself in my 20s and then losing myself and my marbles in my late 30’s. I have to cultivate joy every time I get into a moment where I can have a connection, to the universe, to my kid, to my dogs and to people who love me.
And I’m Black…
And I love it.
‘Cause I’m wonderfully made. And if you engage me, I’mma need you to get with that because that’s my mantra. Also note that me championing my Blackness does not in anyway diminish who YOU are and your humanity. However, by letting me enjoy, relish and exalt my humanity you open up a clear path for me to be my best authentic self with you. And that’s who I’m determined to be from now on.
Life is so short and I want to enjoy the rest of my days. I want to give love, receive love, spread love and grab greatness, all while marinating in this wonderful, amazing, Black skin.