(Back and front story)
I have Sarcoidosis. I am on meds for the Sarc’. I also struggle daily with depression. Honestly, I have been depressed and sad my whole life but I have not had a good handle on it since my Mom died 25yrs ago. You’d never know it. I hide behind my comical persona. Seemingly, I managed to be functional, but 2 nervous breakdowns after a bad marriage and soul crushing divorce … it is a daily battle. The upside is I don’t cry uncontrollable anymore. Only on the weekends when I am really exhausted.
Today, I think the universe told me to SIT THE F*** DOWN. I was reminded by my body and my mind that I am still sick.
The nausea just snuck up on me and then all of a sudden I was writhing in pain. I kept telling myself “don’t cry”. Crying makes it worse and I needed a strategic plan to power myself down. So no tears just ideas.
After 30 mins of acute sickness and paralyzing nausea, I simply laid down and let go of everything. I committed myself to a nap and no engagement. I just needed to be with my child and my dogs. Nothing else to think about or to say.
As the phones rang, I felt powerless. I was in so much pain I couldn’t form words. I wanted to cry my face off but I told myself NO. Suck it up buttercup. Focus on feeling a smidge better. And I maintained my new mantra of talking to no one when I am having these types of episodes.
30 mins, now an hour, now 2 hours… I am effectively down. Physically and mentally. At some point I asked the kiddo to get their phone so I can message them if it all goes wrong.
The last hour I decided to grip my phone in my hand in case I needed help.
It’s unnerving. Yet, you go on and start pottering about as the sickness sort of lifts from the body. Then you finish up your chores or your errands per usual.
… but it’s there, your chronic illness, auto-immune disease, depression, it’s always with you.
… but you have to carry on and be a SuperMom, super woman, etc… Because what else can you do.