I am skeptical about #love now. I see love all around me. It makes me happy to see wonderful married couples who have been together for decades rediscovering each other. My heart sings when seniors find love and can live out their days with someone who wants to lovingly be by their side. Love is a beautiful thing.
I have felt love for others. I love my child immensely. I love my dogs like they are furry people.
… but after countless heartbreaks and disappointments that rival my overall disappointments with humanity, I am like the characters in “Birdbox”. Picturing the idea of love for me again will bring on a calamity of self inflicted sadness and utter demise.
I am not bitter. For I know that healthy, loving relationships exists. They surely do. I think in some utopian society not yet created on this Earth there is a quantum realm where there is an actual man that loves me as I am, for all the woman that I am. I know there is a man in the quantum realm who will never ask me to dim my light, I am never too much and meets me in the middle with the same fervency.
But I am not in the quantum realm. I am here, on Earth. Divorced, single, happy, at peace and honestly alone. And I am digging deep in my humanity to stay at a state of peace, but it leaves me with the quagmire of never believing that I can actually be in a healthy, faithful relationship.
For me, not for others, I think it is a farce. I think I have been programmed to feel this way. As a little girl growing up in Chicago, I saw how Black women were treated and God help you if you had dark skin… it was gender terrorism, colorism and sexism at it’s finest.
I was always made to feel undesirable, but I never believed that bullshit. I know someone is buying what I am selling but the slight despair came at building something that last because in order to do so you need time, friendship, loyalty, resilience and kindness. I have never found those five characteristics in any of my lovers at the same time. Oy Vey.
I don’t have any of this life, love after divorce and 2 very bad relationships figured out. I know that I love myself enough to make good choices and never cave into loneliness. I have learned that having peace of mind and joy in your life, even if you are alone is worth all the gold in the world.
I will enjoy the company of myself until someone comes along and demonstrates without a doubt that they can love me just as passionately as I love me.
The end. Lol. For now.