And then there was just ME

body of water across sunset

Photo by Public Domain Photography on Pexels.com

 

I think about my parents, my friends, my life and the present OFTEN. Think is probably a downplayed description because I actually obsess. I truthfully obsess over the lost of my parents, the ever changing relationships of those I love as my friends and feeling like a failure in the present as a divorced / single working mother — OFTEN.

Sometimes I hear my Dad’s voice say “Girl, get up and get it done. Cry, but never let them see you cry or sweat. Just get started.” And then the me I am now… weathered and tired wants to talk back to the ghost in my head and say “Dad  – go find Ma – I need you both here, I’m sinking and sucking at life. I make this sh** look doable, but trust me the stress is killing your baby girl.”

It is often hard balancing those feelings because with single parents this is the list we have to manage to just get on in life. This is just a starter list, I haven’t even listed individual nuances.

  1. Stay gainfully employed
  2. Provide roof over everyone’s head
  3. Make sure child is in safe environment
  4. Provide food
  5. Make sure the kid has a better life than you
  6. Provide exemplary educational choices
  7. Pay for exemplary educational choices
  8. Provide fun activities outside of school
  9. Provide activities that will lead to community service or good samaritan behavior
  10. Protect kid from other bad ass kids and any less than stellar adults
  11. Talk to kid about racism continuously because they will be discriminated against for just being Black
  12. Find time to cry without kid seeing you
  13. Find time to take care of self
  14. Fix the car
  15. Rotate the tires
  16. Get Oil Change
  17. Do something that makes you – the parent – happy without it costing too much and imposing on the time that is spent with your kid
  18. Wash the dogs
  19. Brush the dogs
  20. Love on the dogs
  21. Treat yourself sometimes
  22. Manage relationship with coparent
  23. Find time to feel human
  24. Find time to feel sexual and or be sexual
  25. Find time to actually read a few books
  26. Do not engage with ignorant ass racists on line, at work, in person, in traffic… its bad for your health
  27. Avoid toxic people, situations and food
  28. Find time to take a dump without a dog or child beckoning you whilst you are on the toilet
  29. Drink wine… make time to drink wine
  30. Cry yourself to sleep

I provided the aforementioned list to demonstrate the amount of stress and caffuffle most modern day single parents endure. And you are left thinking… and then there was me. It is always down to you. No one else and you have to get it done because a small human who loves you unconditionally depends on you and you are their world. That’s an honorable, loving and very serious cross to bare. 

So it’s all on me and today on my Facebook newsfeed…. I came across this image and it put single motherhood into perspective. Like my divorced parents, I must keep going no matter how tired I get.

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