“I put on some WuTang and proclaimed, I am a gotdamn unicorn… So fcuk you.” -EfabulousHB
I am hurt. I am sure you can tell. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so it is not subtle. Nothing is subtle about someone breaking your heart. I am not subtle when I am writhing in internal pain.
Though my divorce taught me, don’t lash out. My hurt is no different than anyone else’s. Additionally, I allowed this person to get close enough to me to break my heart in the first place. My divorce also taught me there is nothing to be gained in slamming the person’s character or maligning their name. That just looks bad on you. Clearly, their actions speak volumes about the lack / failings of said character alone. You have to use this time to reflect on yourself.
I get that. I receive that. … But …
Here’s where I am soooooooooo fcuked up, were those moments and those memories real? Or was the joke on me all along?
There are several stages to grief – and if you didn’t pick up on the contextual clues – I am grieving the loss of a relationship: denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I thought there were four stages, looks like there are fives stages, they forgot a stage it is called the CLUSTERFCUK. Lol.
I was never in denial when it became clear I was being “faded”. I addressed it with passive aggressive confrontation. (Yeah, that’s so a thing. So a thing with me.) I wanted to isolate myself, but isolation to me derails the healing process. You need your friends and family. You need to “talk it out”. Hell I was so hurt the first couple of days, I talked to my ex-husband and tried to make sense of it all. By the way, that’s considerable growth on our part to be able to sit in a car and have me cry my eyes out about a dude completely fading me. Lol.
So I didn’t isolate myself, I just cried my eyes out until I was dehydrated at night. It cut me. Whew Lawd, like an electric steak knife going through a small roasted quail. CUT.
… But I am still here wondering, why was I allowed to make memories with someone for 2.5yrs and in the end it feel like I was on “The Truman Show”. In those moments, on those trips, in his arms… Those moments felt real to me. Or maybe I am so overwhelmed, overworked, stressed and devoid of romantic love in my life, the “okie doke” seemed super solid. It seemed like I could build something long-lasting with that person.
Welp! Jokes on me. Lmao.
Right now I am in the comical anger, mild depression and full on sad acceptance phases — all in tandem.
I said my goodbye. And oh my goodness, it hurt me so. I cried writing the message, reading the message, on the closure phone call, three days after, I cry when I see his name in my phone. I took the pictures down. I cried when I saw the T-shirt that he bought me. I yelled at myself stop fcuking crying girl, geeeeezus.
I had to pray to myself, Lord please let me stop crying over this person because I am really dehydrated and the salt from my tears are making the dark circles under my eyes worse. That’s not cool. I am a sad, rejected, woman who now looks like a gotdamn raccoon. Let these tears stop now, Holy Spirit.
(Yeah, that’s so a real prayer. I pray like I am talking on the phone to my homies. Don’t judge me, leave that to the Lord. Thank you.)
…okay I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah lamenting over the 941 days I seriously believe I was going to have relationship that was kind, transparent, loving and fruitful with the guy that um… “Faded me”. Lol. I keep using 90’s slang like it will make a comeback.
I gave a lot of love, well what I had left over because my kid and dogs and myself come first. I gave it in the best way I knew how. And I thought I got some back, in those tender moments… I thought this was real. Now I feel like they weren’t. I feel like I thought I had on authentic Pumas, but I looked down and they were Pro-Keds from Payless. Ugh.
And I won’t go into the red flags I clearly ignored or didn’t address. That is clearly my responsibility. I have to be accountable for those moments where I didn’t “Woman Up” and say… (Pardon my slang) Hey fcuk is you doing, Playboy – that don’t make me feel wanted or seems right??
The great thing that has come out of this is that I loved with all I had left, I left all out on the dance floor with this one because I had this vein of hope for love left in me. I didn’t hold back until things stopped feeling kind and emotionally safe. I was kind. I was loving. I was supportive. I tried to build something that was healthy and managable. I was a realistic.
I made a lot of memories I now can never forget, but I don’t want them if they are not real. I don’t want them if it was all a rouse. A joke. If I was just another broad he had starred in his inbox.
And so I have catharted, but I still have no answers. I know that I won’t ever get any answers, that’s cool – plus it is pointless – earnestly in my soul, I have moved on. I am okay just working through my own feelings in a comical and silly fashion. That’s what only children do.
At this point, I am just hurt – still. It hurts when someone you loved, someone you talked to every day, they disregard or devalue you and all that love — or whatever the hell it was — it just disappears and goes away. It makes you question everything.