It 0618hrs CT, I am awake and I am sitting in a dark room. The fan is on “3”. The air conditioning on 75. I listened to a thunderstorm video on YouTube in tandem to the Texas storms, wind and rain that just rolled through the southeast region.
Turmoil. I am in turmoil in my soul. My soul hurts. It aches. It had been crying out for sometime, but I had it muffled because I have things to do. I put everyone before me and I actively ignore my soul writhing in pain. Albeit I am adverse to pain, I still experience it from time to time.
At 0621hrs CT, I hit the snooze button. I am annoyed and I am overwhelming sad. I am heart broken actually and well it hurts. I love so deeply that my love turns into a jagged cavern and I get pushed in. I collapse into my own feelings of insecurities, feelings of unworthiness, distrust, disappointment, uneasiness, etc… Instead of addressing what triggered these feelings, I bury them until the ground splits open.
If I am anything I am honest and loving, yet that seems to have no merit today.
As I sit in this dark room, I am reminded of my bizarre thoughts I had when my ex-husband said he was leaving me for his mistress.
I thought to myself “who the f____ is going to show around Texas? This is not my home state. Who abandons a motherf____er in Texas? You said you were going to show me around Texas.”
Well not really but kinda. The last truly loving and kind moment we had, I had rode with him up to his friend’s hunting grounds. He even took me on a ride on the ATV. I hadn’t had that type of alone time with him since our daughter was born.
So unbeknownst to him, as I held his hand on the drive up… I listened to his every word. I took every thing he said to heart, literally.
He said he was going to show me around Texas. We had been here by that time for 5 years.
In those 5 years I was isolated, alone, suicidal, depressed, sad, angry, exhausted and I had these fabricated slivers of hope.
It never happened. He left me. I am a bolder and better woman for it, so the irony of it all seems to always astound me. I cocooned myself for a long time, and emerged a butterfly.
Fast forward to now, I am sitting in my dark room and I am going through all the words I took to heart from someone who I found to be simply amazing …. From someone else who actually did show me around San Antonio, Austin, Denver, New Orleans and Las Vegas.
I could string alone a mental video tape of how many times I have taken his hand and walked about on cloud 9. In fact that’s what woke me up, the memory of holding his hand and our times in New Orleans.
Unbeknownst to him, I hang on his every word. I take them to heart, because I believe in him.
I take people at their word, because I try to be a person of my word. I try to be a person that turns my words into actions. I desperately try to be the person that turns my words, hopes and desires into tactile memories.
And so when we fail our words, our hopes don’t materialize, our dreams stop being deferred and they dissipate… the heart cracks in two, maybe three.
And there is so much you want to say, you want something to help soothe all the uncertainty, there are never enough tissues to dry the tears.
So at 0646hrs CT, I am just here in a dark room with a these beautiful memories and the words…
And the tears, welcoming the dawn.