How to get divorced efficiently and stay kinda sane.

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If you are planning to get divorce, then your heart is broken. Especially if they are leaving you for someone else and your a** is blindsided like a blind man playing football and being sacked by Marshawn Lynch. YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING OR DID YOU?

So if you know that divorce is inevitable, here is a comical tip sheet for things to do to minimize the chaos that is about to ensue.

You will need to cut your budget by 2/3rd. NOW. The day divorce is on the table, people are going to start acting funny with the money. If you have children and you are the primary caregiver, this is a perilous time for you. If you are the primary care giver and you don’t hold down a job, this is now a situation of life or homelessness. Cut your budget and start to separate your accounts – IMMEDIATELY.  You all no longer share a desire to continue this union and that means, bye – get yo’ ass out of my budget.

Tell all your friends, YOU ARE ON A BUDGET – YOU HAVE AN IMPENDING DIVORCE THAT MAY DEVASTATE YOUR FINANCES, QUIT INVITING ME TO BRUNCH IMMEDIATELY. I don’t know how to tell you this but your lifestyle is based on two people (unless you have been supporting that other person all this damn time???) when they go, so does their income. If you cannot immediately replace that lost of household income, then brunch, mimosa(s), salsa in Cancun, the white sale at JCPenney’s ….. IT AIN’T FOR YOU UNTIL YOU ARE FINANCIALLY STABLE AGAIN. Divorce will force you to be financially, mentally, emotionally, socially and sometimes physically UNSTABLE. And if you are a Black American, times that by 10 because you may not have emotional support from your job and your job will be in jeopardy if you don’t have an external support system working with you.

Start establishing boundaries post-haste. No they cannot call you as though they were your spouse. No you will not take their verbal abuse. No they cannot borrow a cup of sugar. No you will not relinquish any Kohl’s fall season shopping $10 off coupons. No, no, hard no, nada… nah. And you can be kind about it, but be “about it”. Establish your boundaries because you are disengaging from the union. That means that everyone needs to figure out how to do sh** by they damn self. Y’all ain’t friends. Not yet, maybe later down the road after the hate, the hurt and restraining order has expired, but right now…. the line is drawn in the sand. Divorce is basically saying, I cannot love you anymore so I have to not adult with you, you are out the sandbox of my life. Boundaries. PROTECT THE SANDBOX OF YO’ SOUL.

GET A THERAPIST, IMMEDIATELY. Divorce will drive you crazy and to despair. If you are already 10 cards short of a full deck, you will need help. Please, get the help and support you need to make it through this difficult time. IT WILL NOT BE EASY. The self doubt, the worry, the pain, the rejection – or if you are doing the dirty – the guilt, the betrayal, the uncertainty.

Find something that makes you happy, that doesn’t cost a lot of money, that you can do ALONE.  You will  need a lot of alone time to manage your negative thoughts. So manage your “stinking thinking” whilst doing something that brings a smile to your soul. You’ll thank me later.

DO NOT CALL, FB MESSAGE, TEXT, TUMBLR, INSTAGRAM DIRECT MESSAGE, TWEET, TELEGRAM, WHATSAPP OR SEND A MESSENGER PIGEON TO ANY OF YOUR EX-BOYFRIENDS / GIRLFRIENDS FROM GRAMMAR SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL, UNDERGRAD, GRAD SCHOOL OR YOUR PH.D PROGRAM.  You are playing with fire and you will be burned and it will actually suck more than your divorce and the last bad year with your spouse. Trust me. And if any of them reaches out to you right after they heard your divorce is pending and they are trying to get it going whilst you are in the process…. THEY AIN’T SHIT, THEY AIN’T NEVER BEEN SHIT, THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO BE SHIT. Please be careful.

THE REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS RIGHT AFTER OR DURING YOUR DIVORCE WILL SUCK A** FOR MOST PEOPLE. IT WILL NOT BE “THE NEXT ONE” AND THAT PERSON IS JUST FODDER FOR YOU TO GET BACK IN THE GAME. Know that going in. And please do not do what I did and picked someone that was so vile and disgustingly broken that to speak said name is to conjure a 1,000 demons and trolls for your soul. Blllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck. Thinking about it makes me wanna throw up in my mouth.

PLEASE LEARN HOW TO BE ALONE AND VERY HAPPY WITH YOURSELF DURING THIS PROCESS. DO STUFF BY YOURSELF. Start putting your needs first and ask yourself what you like, what do you want, what is next in your life. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, BOLDLY AND OTHERS WILL FOLLOW. You have to love yourself authentically in order to attract love in your life. So start with YOU. And you alone.

Here are some other IMPORTANT TIPS:

  1. If you have children, do not bring your new flame or anyone new around your children. PUT YOUR CHILDREN’S PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY FIRST. Please, please, do not bring any unstable men or women in your child’s life. You could be putting your child in harms way, big time.
  2. Get a good lawyer, not a sleazy cheap lawyer – a good one. Try and amicably settle your divorce before hand.
  3. Make of list of things you don’t want and are ready to part with as soon as possible.
  4. Downsize the house if the house was built for a family with two incomes.
  5. If you are going to suffer a tremendous reduction in household income, file bankruptcy during or right after your divorce.
  6. Stay in therapy as long as you need to … as long as it takes you to heal.

I won’t say “happy divorcing” cause that’s just damn stupid. I will say, be mindful, be prayerful, be vigilant and protect your kids. I hope you come out the other side healed.

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