I KNOW – I NEED TO CHANGE.
When I typed that and said it to myself, I actually heard the old Negro spiritual …. “Lord, I know I’ve been changed” running through my head. Yet, that’s me. Every year – CHANGING – for good or for bad, I change.
This year I seem to be transfixed on my mortality. I want to see my grand kids make it to 12 years old. Is that specific enough? That’s my next HUGE LIFE GOAL. I need to see my grand-kids turn 12. In this post-Obama America filled with angry Jim Crow sympathizers, my future grand-kids will need their loving and intellectually savvy, awesome Black Grandma by their sides.
In order for me to meet this goal, I have to change my attitude towards exercise and finding the time to exercise.
I NEVER HAVE ENOUGH FCUKING TIME. EVER.
Says woman who has to make some fcuking time to write blogs at night and that seems to take a huge precedence over exercising, because “blogging / writing is life – it is cathartic – it is the balance to my unstable and clearly insane life force”. But if I want to live to see my damn awesome, brilliant future grand-kids… I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO EXERCISE EVERY GOTDAMN DAY. I am well aware because I’m Black American and the stress of being Black in America, coupled with some genetic dispositions for other diseases I could set myself up for an early “croak” date. And I’m not ready to croak, at 43yrs old I’m really just getting the fcuk started. .
Honestly, in the mornings I’m scrambling to make the 32 mile commute so that my Future CEO won’t be tardy for school. Then after school, after homework, after a proper home-cooked meal for the kiddo and myself… and I finally get the CEO to sleep, I need to DE-MOM / DETOX FROM THE DAY. I don’t feel like doing fcuk all. Nada. I force myself to write blogs during this time, so I don’t fall behind on my blogging… cause like I said before “blogging is life”. For me, literally.
All I want to do now is slip into a nice peppermint and coconut oil bath and then CALL HOGS IN MY SLEEP LIKE I’M AT THE SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS LIVESTOCK AUCTION! My tired is uber tired every damn day.
In the summer, I’m slightly more active. I SWIM. I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE TO SWIM. I LOVE WATER. WATER AND BEING IN THE POOL IS LIFE. MY WHOLE LIFE. HAPPINESS. NIRVANA. You get my drift. Swimming is great for my Sarcoidosis, libido, skin, hair, lungs, legs…. I’m pretty much more of a goddess in the summer, full stop. I love it, so I don’t think about it being exercise. Same with the 1-2 ballet classes I take per year (I know as a former dancer, that’s fcuking pathetic). Yet, I don’t see ballet classes as exercise that’s why I enjoy it so much.
I’m waffling on now like an old woman who blogs late at night while drinking Sauvignon Blanc. I typed all this to tell myself I GOTTA MAKE A GOTDAMN CHANGE.
But here is the kicker….
I seriously don’t know how to Vulcan Mind Meld myself into giving up this pissy, non-logical shitty mindset and make the decision to integrate exercise into my daily routine. I’M MAD AT MYSELF. DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. HONESTLY, I’M FCUKING FLUMMOXED.
Eventually (um, I think it has to be very soon…. ) I will figure this out. I will figure out what I need to do to change. Right after I sit my svelte ass down, finish writing this blog and enjoying my Sauvignon Blanc!!!!!
TELL ME (NO, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW…) WHAT DO YOU NEED TO CHANGE? HOW WILL YOU DO IT? I’M EVER SO CURIOUS IF SOMEONE CAN RELATE TO MY STRUGGLE AND WHAT YOU DID TO OVER COME IT. I’M ALSO DEFLECTING AND PROCRASTINATING LIKE A F’ING BOSS OVER MY OWN PROBLEM WITH FITNESS [PLEASE JESUS INTERCEDE… YEEEESH]. LOL.
A Change is a coming, cause I don’t want to end up in a pine box before the age of 86yrs old. Period.