When I was growing up, no one ever talked to me about relationships in detail. I was merely expected to be a good heterosexual, save my virginity and hope that someone wanted a dark-skinned Black girl from the South Side that was too smart and too opinionated. That is the summary of what my mother told me. My Dad always told me different things from a male perspective but even he told me that I would eventually end up alone because I was an intelligent Black woman. My mother would tell me to “dumb down” for love. My Dad said “you bring a lot to the table, just be prepared to sit there alone for a long time until the world catches up with you”.
So I really got my idea of romantic love from television. NO, I SHIT YOU NOT. My parents divorced when I was 5. It was ugly, horrible and terribly violent. I am only really coming to terms with it now… because in 2012 I divorced my husband and my child was 3. And I’m thinking… Oh shhhhhhhhhhhhh I do NOT want her to be as f***ed up as I am. Cause I’m 43 and i’m just now cognitive of the damage, unapologetically accepting of who I am and trying to reverse and/or manage my crazy. I didn’t bring a kid in this world so they could be crazy like me. It’s too many assholes roaming the earth now hurting good people. I don’t want my special human in that cycle.
So yeah… I’m scrambling to understand love, to shower the unconditional love I needed in past decades unto myself and to give love without judgment, without expectation and without drama.
The one thing I’ve come to learn now that I’m around people with healthy, realistic and manageable adult relationships is that you need a #TEAMMATE. Soulmates, I searched for in my 20’s and 30’s. Helpmate, I thought I was in my marriage. I now require a teammate.
I WANT SOMEONE TO CLAP AND CHEER WHEN I WIN. I WANT TO SHARE THE VICTORY… EVEN THE SMALL ONES WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND NOT LOOK AT THE SCOREBOARD BUT POP CHAMPAGNE, SMILE AND ENJOY THE GAME.
All I want to do is win at life. Yes. There I said it. No softy, softy, I want to save the world. I cannot… have you seen me… since the divorce and years of partying I don’t have steady hands, my friend. I am NOT nor have I ever been the Captain-Save-A-Hoe or Captain-Save-A-World type. So I just want to win at life. I want to get on my deathbed and have that viewmaster 10 mins of my life flash by and think to myself… “Girl, you won. You lived this life with little regrets. You smiled a lot. You loved a lot. You won.”
Everyday. Little win. Big win. Awkward win. (Cause I’m so f*cking awkward it’s ridiculous.)
But more than me winning, I want to cheer someone on. I want to believe in them. I want to clap for the smallest of win and cheer for the biggest of wins. I give as good as I get!!!!
I require a teammate because a teammate not only supports you, wants you to win… they listen to you, they are in harmony with you, they can disagree with you but keep the common goal in sight and work through differences to keep the winning formula or strategy. When you are down, the teammate is there to lift you up. When you call for help, when you call for assistance, the teammate gives to you whatever they have to give in #totality …. because you are in the game #TOGETHER. A teammate is awesome.
And I’m not too obtuse in my only-childness that I don’t realize in order to be on a successful team, you have to be ready to dig deep and be a teammate yourself.
I guess that’s what I learned from my failed marriage, my parents failed marriage and those successful relationships I’ve been able to observe… you gotta be a teammate to get a teammate and you invariably have to be committed to the winning strategy and longevity of your team!