Dear friend, you are going to have to get in bed with your #FEAR. This post is based on a very honest and raw conversation I had with my very close friend this morning. The kind of conversation where you walk away loving your friend more but you pray a million prayers that your friend can make it through the storm and come out stronger than when they went in. So friend, I’m sharing this publicly in hopes you see that you too can make it and brighter days are ahead. I PROMISE YOU.
I wish. I wish no one had ever betrayed, hurt, belittled or cheated on me. I wish that the universe left a bit of innocence with me because now I cannot #love without fear. …And we all know I have a BIG LOVE. My love is something epic and ethereal, but it’s forever #tainted and #broken. Fear may be a liar, but fear is also a very real liar and you will need to acknowledge your fear or fear will ruin the rest of your days. I’m hell bent on dragging my fear into the good life I promised myself. It will be kicking and screaming but bloody hell it’s coming. I know I have better and more awesome days ahead. So I turn around and hold fear’s hand and scream “come the f*** on!”
Darling, I wish some people in my family never hurt me to the point I can no longer be in the same room with them. I wish that friends didn’t betray me to lay with a man I laid with or the friend that turned their back on me and simply walked away. I wish I wasn’t dumped, cheated on or maliciously used countless times by subpar men who didn’t realize how much a good woman I was — men who thought my humanity and kindness was a novelty. I wish other human beings who were hurting never hurt me … BECAUSE I WAS HURTING TOO.
And so Darling, I’m stuck with this fear.
I cannot be a friend without feeling a person might betray me. I cannot love now without thinking I’m not good enough or this person is settling for me. I cannot engage some of my family members without thinking they don’t really give a f*** about me. The Fear of being hurt shadows me. It is always there. I would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that for me… my fear is just below the surface. Like I told you this morning, there are very few instances where I’m without my fear…. and it’s only when I’m with my child or my dogs because the love we share is unconditional. It’s pure. … but when I go out into the world, my fear is there.
Maybe you are stronger than me, but we know I’m the original “Teflon Don”. My outer shell is thick and strong, probably because my inner core is so fragile and easy to break.
As I said this morning, FACE YOUR FEARS. Look them in the eye, take them by the hand, hug them, make peace with them and either eradicate them or live with them but know that you are human and at some point, the fear will come and the triumph comes in facing them head on or embracing them in a slow kiss.
Sometimes I’m so filled with fear it’s f****** me raw from the depths of my soul and it seems like my whole world caves in all at once. And after the voices, the anxiety, the shakes, the fidgeting or the full on tears have stopped, I roll over and ask fear does it need a cigarette and some coffee. … and that’s because I now choose to live with my fear honestly. I refuse to stop living. In fact, I have found a way to live boldly while managing my fear in tandem. Mentally, I have no choice – I got this one life and people have taken away my innocence, have a devalued my friendship and abused my love…. and I’m sure I’ve done the same to others… so this one life I still have to live it and I cannot let fear stop me, so I’m bringing it along for the ride.
I said all this to say that you are amazing. You are a beautiful person. I’m sorry that people hurt you. I’m sorry that you are hurting now. Yes, you will heal and you will fear situations and things again, but it’s okay… don’t let fear stop YOU from living an awesome life. You will get hurt again. You will cry again. And it’s okay, happens to the best of us.
I love you dear friend. I hope this helps. I hope you read it over and over and over again. Then the next time you call me either you kicked fear’s ass… or you made fear your submissive lover. Either way, you will be stronger for it!
Lots of love from your crazy friend who comfortably and comically lives with her fears. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox