This is actually a #DivorcedMomChronicle. LOL! I haven’t written one in a long time, eh? I now quietly and often ponder the pivotal lessons from my divorce on a weekly basis. Sometimes it hits me in the still of the night. Sometimes I picture myself in the future and I tell myself let’s not make this particular mistake again. I’m adjusting how I view #love, mainly because I love myself a lot more than I did before, during and after my marriage.
Loving one’s self HONESTLY and AUTHENTICALLY is very hard, but constant work. And you must put in this work in order to heal and grow.
So I ponder things that are by-products of my divorce.
Today I pondered about my “broken-ness” and how it isn’t fixed, but a large majority of it is indeed healed. Deep right. Well not so much. In essence, I have been a very beautiful but very broken spirit since I was about 5 (when my parents divorced …. see a pattern???) and I constantly keep myself glued together so I’m a high functioning human being. Yet today, I found myself doubting my progress in accepting my broken-ness and for a moment I started to doubt my new mantra of letting myself be the embodiment of love but also loving myself enough to let anything that isn’t good for my soul go. And then it just popped into my head…. this is the cycle of thoughts from a broken soul and it’s okay. This too, these thoughts, will pass.
By 5, I was completely broken. And at 16, my heart broke when my Dad died. Age 21, my soul cracked in half when I reconciled with my Mom and then 2 weeks after she passed away. After my 25th birthday, I ran away to New York because a boy from Alabama had broke my heart and I needed to do something new. By age 30, I had redefined my entire life through my marriage. By 35 and while I was 7 mos pregnant I realize my marriage was over and now I was about to give birth. By 39, I lost myself. I had to stand and face my ex-spouse’s infidelity while coparenting our child. I had to admit that I didn’t love myself at all and I was hopelessly depressed and lost. Then not 1, but 2 nervous breakdowns and my soul was completely decimated. Seems like an endless string of things that broke my spirit.
Then I readjust the timeline and notice that I finished university despite my parents passing away. I worked at several of the top 500 companies in America. I worked on WallStreet. I’ve traveled the globe. I managed for a time to have a love in my marriage. I gave the world the most beautiful child ever. I was a DJ. I was a dancer. I became this incredible loving and quirky mother. I did more in my life by the time I was 28 than most people do in a lifetime. I wrote passionate poetry. I saw the lights of Paris and got down on the east side of London. Partied in Manchester and watched my kid make memories with her Dad at Warwickshire castle. I lived abroad. Giggled and had my whole world change in Belgium. I had an amazing love affair with the city of New York. I have loved feverishly and passionately. Many nights I danced and drank like aristocracy high on spice and wine. All the while I was broken, I glued myself together to enjoy this one life… my one broken, silly, comical, intricate life. Broken but actively living …
Perhaps I was just held together by God and the Universe because I got a great story to tell. LOL! The broken reprobate’s testimony. That’s a book title, people!
So the good thing is… I’ve been broken and healing myself for so long, I’m strong as [bleeeeeeeeep]. The bad thing is that it’s hard for me to be close to other human being and I keep myself isolated because there are so many pieces to me, I’m exceedingly fragile. … and when I think about it… that’s not so bad given the state of humanity at the moment. LOL!
Pieces and fragments of love, sadness, depression, anger, hope, failed dreams, despair, loneliness, inspiration, dehumanization, questions, answers, laughter, lots of tears and yelping from my soul that only God could hear!
And so while I over analyze my failed marriage and divorce for life lessons to etch in my memory and eventually teach my child, I realize I’m a big ball of #broken… and that I love myself enough to know that I’m a beautiful stained glass of humanity cleverly pieced together.
… last thing…
I hope that someone loves you through all your broken-ness, because we are all deserving of an honest, authentic, passionate and kind love regardless of what we have been through.
That’s my wish for you! #MommyFab #EfabulousHB #FabWorld