Let me write an authentic and cathartic letter, this letter and these words are sooooooooooo overdue. I’ve written many versions of this letter, but I never wrote with such an amazing clarity in my soul. Today, I am clear and I stand unafraid of the TRUTH.
Firstly, thank you for the fairytale adventure. The American Girl, the British Guy, the Transatlantic Romance of two wayward but talented DJ(s)…. OMG, the story damn near writes itself. Fairytale. We did NOT make it work. However, it was an adventure and challenge of a lifetime. Thank you for the belief that it could work. Thank you for all those sparkly words, the flights to and from England, the walks down Riverside Drive in New York, thank you for making me feel that I was lovable in the beginning. Thank you for believing it could work. I believed it too… with all my heart. The fairytale launched me into the most challenging, soul searching, emotional and critical phase of my adult life.
Our union — in the end killed my spirit, but out of that death was born this amazing woman that I never knew existed.
The hurting is no longer palatable despair filled with a sting. It is a very faint, dull cramp. It is only activated when I find myself looking back in the past waaaaaaaaaaaay too damn long and waaaaaaaaaaaay too damn much.
There was a point I prayed for death. For a long time, for years, all through my pregnancy and from our baby’s birth to two nervous breakdowns during our divorce, I was extremely suicidal. Even in the the very beginning of our child’s life, I sat in that hospital room and I felt completely alone… when I came home, I prayed for God to take she and I in our sleep, so I could be free of all the pain, the confusion and the tears but with my child by my side. I couldn’t even leave the earth alone because in my living I felt so alone.
Now, as time has healed me and helped me grow, I realize you were in just as much pain. How soul crushing it must have been for you to be trapped in a life you no longer wanted. The pressure per square pound of unhappiness laying next to someone you no longer loved, you no longer wanted a future with…. it must have been unbearable and maddening. I’m so sorry you endured such pain. I’m sorry I endured such pain. I had no way to free us both. I never wanted either of us to hurt, as we slowly gave up on each other, on our life together … we were dying and it was so painful. No one… not even my worse enemy should endure such torture.
So I hope for you now, that you are sooooooo much happier, feeling free and that you never feel that level of unhappiness again.
The universe availed us both. We are both happier people. Our daughter will be so much better for it. She has two very happy parents now. Not two souls dying and agonizing on fumes of a naive love that died so tragically.
The one great thing we did was “build” things. We created things. We met goals. I was the brains and you were the braun, we made a really great team to get shit done when we did act in tandem.
We created a great human being who has a soul so amazing that it is as wonderful and dynamic as the miracle of life itself.
So let us focus on teaming up to make sure she loves herself completely. Let us make sure that she has an amazing level of self-esteem and a realistic view of love and relationships. Let us pray that she never ends up in a dysfunctional relationship like you and I.
I saw in our child the best of us both! And with that, the pain I am trying to ease… It just faded exponentially.
I am living boldly in the truth… “We fucked up!” … but out of that collision of souls we were phenomenally Blessed with an amazing little human being who is the personification of the love and harmony we once had long, long, ago.
In the end, a broken little Black American girl saw a broken white British boy and we naively joined hands in an effort to heal and to love
… and that shit did not work out
… and we are both better adults and better people for it!
My last thing, my last request of you…
Learn how to use the damn group calendar on yo’ damn iPhone!
Okay, Bye Dude!
The Amazing, Fabulous